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How the North Stole Deer Season – Rebekah Tuck

Happy Holidays from Warnell!

Enjoy the following adaptation of a story you may know, written by the lovely Rebekah Tuck.


Every Warnellian
Down in Warnell-ville
Liked trees a lot…

But the folks,
Who lived just North of Warnell-ville,
Did NOT!

The folks hated Warnell! The whole deer season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that their head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that their shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that their hearts were two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason,
Their hearts or their shoes,
They stood there on North, hating the W’s,
Staring down from the hill with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For they knew every Warnell down in Warnell-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a shotgun shell wreath.

“And they’re hanging their deer mounts!” they snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is deer season! It’s practically here!”
Then they growled, with their grinch fingers nervously drumming,
“We MUST find a way to keep deer season from coming!”
For, tomorrow, they knew…

…All the Warnell girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing they hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Warnellians, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
They would start on Warnell-dove, and rare Warnell-roast-beast
Which was something they couldn’t stand in the least!

They’d do something North liked least of all!
Every Warnell down in Warnell-ville, the tall and the small,
Would try to stand close together, while watermelon crawling.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Warnellians would start calling!

They’d call! And they’d call!
And the more the Norths thought of the Warnell-Game-Calls
The more the Norths thought, “We must stop this whole thing!
“Why for 107 years we’ve put up with it now!
We MUST stop deer season from coming!
…But HOW?”

Then they got an idea!
An awful idea!

“We know just what to do!” the Norths laughed in their throats.
And they made a quick camo hat and a coat.
And they chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Grinchy trick!
“With this coat and this hat, we’ll look just like a hick!”

“All I need is a deer…”
They looked around.
But since deer on the North are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Norths…?
No! They simply said,
“If we can’t find a deer, we’ll make one instead!”
So they called their dawg Hairy. Then they took some red thread
And they tied a big rack on top of his head.

They loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks to carry
On a ramshakle Ford
And they hitched up old Hairy.
Then the Norths said, “Giddyap!”
And the Ford started down
Toward the home where the Warnellians
Lay a-snooze in their town.

The lab windows were dark. Quiet dew filled the air.
All the Warnellians were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When the Norths came to the first house in the square.
“This is stop number one,” The North folks hissed
And they climbed to the roof, empty bags in their fist.

Then they slid down the trap door. A rather tight spot.
But if Warnellians could do it, then so could these hot shots.
They got stuck only once, for a moment I swore.
Then they stuck their heads out of room 304
Where the little Warnellians’ traps all hung in a row.
“These traps,” they grinned, “are the first things to go!”

Then they slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and they took every scent!
Shotguns! And rifles! Decoys! Fishing reels!
Waders! Duck calls! Trail cameras! And grills!
And they stuffed them in bags. Then they, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then they slunk to the icebox. They took the Warnellians’ feast!
They took the Warnellian-dove! They took the roast beast!
They cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, they even took their last can of Warnellian-cash!

Then they stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
“And NOW!” grinned the Norths, “we will stuff up the tree!”

And they grabbed the tree, and they started to shove
When they heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
They turned around fast, and they saw a small W!
Little Swanny-Lou W, who was no smarter than two.

North campus had been caught by this little W dear
Who’d got out of the lab for an ice cold souvenir.
He stared at the North folk and said, “Guys, why,
“Why are you taking our tree? WHY?”

But, you know, that old North folk were so smart and so slick
They thought up a lie, and they thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake hick lied,
“There’s leaves on this tree that won’t grow on one side.
“So we’re taking it home to our mill, my dear.
“we’ll fix it up there. Then we’ll bring it back here.”

And they’re fib fooled Swanny. Then they patted his head
And they got him a beverage and they sent him to lab.
And when Swanny-Lou W went to work with his cup,
They went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing they took
Was the log and the flyers.
Then they went up the chimney themselves, the old liars.
On their walls they left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of food
They left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a golden mouse.

It was quarter past dawn…
All the Warnellians, still at work
When they packed up the Ford,
Packed it up with their guns! The bows! The mountings!
The skulls! and the skins! The waders! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount campus,
they rode to the tiptop to dump it!
“Pooh-pooh to the Warnellians!” they were grinch-ish-ly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no deer season was coming!
“They’re just waking up! We know just what they’ll do!
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
“Then all the Warnellians down in Warnell-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!”

“That’s a noise,” grinned the North folk,
“That I simply must hear!”
So they paused. And they put a hand to their ears.
And they did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…

But the sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

They stared down at Warnell-ville!
The N folks popped their eyes!
Then they shook!
What they saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Warnellian down in Warnell-ville, the tall and the small,
Was calling! Without any guns at all!
They HADN’T stopped deer season from coming!
Somehow or another, it came just the same!

And the Norths, with their grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?
It came without rifles! It came without deer tags!
“It came without bullets, camo or bags!”
And they puzzled three hours, `till their puzzler was sore.
Then North campus thought of something they hadn’t before!
“Maybe deer season,” they thought, “doesn’t come from a store.
“Maybe deer season…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

And what happened then…?
Well…in Warnell-ville they say
That North’s small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute their heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
They whizzed with their load through the bright morning light
And they brought back the ammo! And the food for the feast!
And the North folks…

North campus carved the roast beast!


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